(this was written back in 2013) So as I’m approaching the end of my pregnancy and Hg awareness day is this month (May 15th) I thought that I would share my experience of Hyperemesis… in hopes that maybe it will help someone? I’m not sure but it definitely feels freeing for me to just release these feelings ;)
When I became pregnant back in September, I knew what I was getting myself into... it was an either now or never sort of thing because this was not my first battle with what I call a “living in hell” condition. See I have been here before but lost, I became very angry with life and my faith was questionable… how could I be blessed with such a beautiful thing but it be taken away from me?
Hyper-emesis Gravid-arum (HG) is a debilitating and potentially life-threatening pregnancy disease. Women have lost their lives, babies and sanity while facing this battle. There certainly needs to be more research and education done! It bothers me that something this serious can be chalked up to “oh it’s just severe morning sickness” but NO! No it’s not, for me and many others it was beyond!
When I first began to get sick, I had doctors who would just dope me up on meds and send me home. I watched them whisper and make a mockery out of me. I was told “you’re pregnant, this is what comes with it” I doubt vomiting 20+ times a day and not being able to keep anything down is something that “just” comes along with pregnancy. I knew something was wrong. It felt like a violent stomach flu and the worse food poisoning ever, except that it wouldn’t go away in just a few days. I had to deal with nausea and vomiting 24-7, it wouldn’t stop. Even when I had nothing in me, my body would want to keep trying until blood and bile would come up. I became so weakened by this. I would pray and pray that God would put me into the right hands. I remember looking into the mirror and seeing myself and not noticing who I was, I began talking to myself and not knowing why? my body had reached dangerous levels which would explain if you ever seen a homeless person talking to themselves or looking like they have fallen off the wagon? There’s reason… It is something that they cannot help! the lack of nutrition and the things your body needs to survive are very crucial when it comes to keeping your body functioning correctly. I just wanted to give up, I felt like I was going to die… I couldn’t walk and it would even make me sick to talk, I felt completely ill. I was bed ridden, I was starving, I was losing weight, I couldn’t take showers, I had to get around in a wheel chair, I had to depend on iv’s to keep surviving, I watched my body deteriorate … I had to live in the hospital for 40 days and it was depressing to say the least. But this is what “comes with pregnancy?” many women end up aborting much wanted babies because it is just too much to bare and especially without proper treatment. It’s very traumatic and very unfortunate.
With all of this happening to me, I knew that I couldn’t do this alone. It is such little known education on this condition and hardly anyone understood, it was very frustrating for me. Everyone thought they knew but didn’t, no one was listening to me, so I knew God/Jesus was all that I really had while everyone else just “meant well”. See I was angry at him before and this is where my faith became questionable the other 2 times. For 23 days straight I could not eat or drink anything, yes I wanted to! That was torture for me but it was as if my body was rejecting my pregnancy and I was allergic to it, it just wouldn’t take. I had days where I just begged God to end it and take the misery away L Eventually, the doctors decided in order for me to survive and to help the baby I would need a picc line. They put a hole in my arm and drew a line through my vein that went to my heart, it was dangerous but I was too sick to care. It supplied me what we needed through bags of IV’s (hated it) after 3 weeks of having it and still no progress, one of the doctors suggested that I terminate the pregnancy :/ I had nurses who came into my room telling me that I was going to lose the baby if I didn’t do this or if I didn’t do that. They even called a psychiatrist in on me, trying to imply that I had mental issues and a eating disorder (really?) Well none of the above was true and thankfully the psychiatrist was able to justify that but they still gave me a hard time. It just hurt to be mistreated the way that I was over something that I couldn’t explain or control.
The same doctor who suggested the termination came in one day and just snatched the tubes, the IV’s and everything that was keeping my body some-what functioning. I felt defeated, I knew if things didn’t change I would either lose the baby or die trying to keep her. They sent me home, one of the nurses was furious by this decision and so was I but I knew I had kept God with me and this was his battle and that he made no mistakes! It was until I got home and sick again having to sleep with my head over the toilet and out of breath that I said I give up! I can’t do this any longer. I went back into the Er and was admitted again. I had hoped to see the doctor who suggested the termination, I just needed some relief, and I was so tired of feeling ill none stop. I felt trapped, like nothing was going to fix it but that. Ironically, he was the doctor who came in the room that morning, so I saw it as a sign (at the time) I told him and he said that they would arrange it. I didn’t know what I was going to tell my husband, I didn’t want to let him down. Although, he was so supportive and said my health came first but I knew he wanted this. Once they got me back stable into a mind set that could really think for itself, I was able to think more clearly. I didn’t know what came over me (well I do) God! Jesus! One of the two, maybe both… But I said I could NOT do it, I just could not terminate and I realized that, that doctor coming in that morning was NOT a sign! It was bait, it was a TEST! Was I going to believe in his word and trust him like I’ve been saying I was going to? When they released me 5 days later, it took a day or 2 but things just suddenly started to change. That constant ill feeling subsided, the meds started to work, I was eating and drinking enough to keep my body out of the danger zones and I know it was only because of my faith! I didn’t know where taking that chance of going home and trying again was going to lead me but I just knew that I had to fully trust, let go and let God! He promised and I received! Now here I am with a healthy baby growing inside of me! (she’s now born and will turn a yr old May30th) He is SO worthy to be praised and I will never be ashamed or afraid to open up about what he has brought me through! If only people knew the half… there is a reason that I am the way that I am, every flaw and every positive!
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I could be angry but I’m not, I know this wasn’t done in vain, I have been able to find a positive side to it. Hg has given me a lot of confidence that I can conquer anything, you have to feel invincible after surviving something like this. it has taken away fears and doubts that I once had... It has made me appreciate EVERYTHING ! when you go w/o eating or drinking, not being able to shower, bed ridden, can only get around in a wheel chair it's an eye opener to never take things for granted. Especially health, apparently i never knew what really being sick was, a few days of a bad cold etc is nothing! It has made me to not sweat the small stuff.. It was hell to go through and life changing on many many levels! LIFE IS GOOD AND GOD IS GREAT!!!! just when your about to give up is when your Blessings are right around the corner... so DON'T! just Believe :)
